THINGS ARE BLUR
It’s exactly a year ago today since I made these images. I wanted to remember that day. I wasn’t sure how the rest of the year was going to be, but I knew It couldnt be worse. So I documented it. Usually I know what to do in front of the camera, I usually have a plan. This time I didn’t. It was just an hour after I had arrived in my new location then. I had been unstable for a while, mentally and was down to 47 kg in weight. I was once again a baby. I walked back to the camera to watch the first shot I had taken. I could not relate to the person on the back of my screen. That wasn’t me. I didn’t know how to react. I was dead. I was a dead man. I have never felt so much fear. My shadow terrified me. A part of me wanted to make it out alive so bad. Another part just wanted to let it go. None of the two was weaker or stronger than the other. They were both right. It was just a matter of choice. I had no idea what surprise the next minute would present but I was ready for it, and I wasn’t. Somehow, I knew something I didn’t. I deleted the first image and went back to stand in front of the camera. I must have shivered, it was all too blurry. I knew what I was going to see, but I didn’t want to see that. I hoped it changed. The timer beeped, then again and then again, and then my legs could carry me no longer. I was overwhelmed. Then I felt cold. It was 38 degrees outside but I felt cold. I unwrapped the cloth from my waist, held myself and looked away from the light. It was revealing something; maybe a little more truth than I had expected to see. I looked away. It was easier; i turned around to avoid seeing. I did it for a year; I am doing it now, granted more overtly. It’s exactly one year today, and I am still scared to turn around. Only this time I do not know. I am not certain if what I see is there, or imagined. It’s there sometimes and it’s not. I think I see but I think I can’t also. Things are blurring, I can no longer separate myself from myself. I draw near the black hole, but then I am the black hole. I do not know where that positions me. How does one get closer to one’s self and where does one have to be to get there. I am nowhere now, that I am certain. All the blues and yellows tear me apart. I passed out a couple of times yester night and woke up this morning, a stranger in my bed. Maybe another starting point or just a closing in on the end.